Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
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HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”