My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
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Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Nice try Hitler
NASA has no chill
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
*jazz hands*
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer