‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
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10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
The asteroid..
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages