I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
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Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Should I call tech support or pray or what
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*