Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
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6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household