I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
You Might Also Like
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I feel seen
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge