ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
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Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
This raises questions
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
blocked.