happy mother’s day❤️
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When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot