I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
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Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus