Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
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I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…