A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD