I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
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like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?