“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
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Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Smells like a challenge to me
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking