My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
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me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed