Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
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I only look at Wordle for the articles
Dear Lord..
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
just left a huge legacy in there
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”