I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
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Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
he’s sick of your bullshit today
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!