My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
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Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.