I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
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If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all