It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
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THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Cha-ching is my safe word
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.