I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
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If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?