Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
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Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse