*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
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me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
these two trucks have the same bed length
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…