[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
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The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.