Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
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If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Britain be like
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.