Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
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mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Pigeon open mic night.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.