If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
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At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants