If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
You Might Also Like
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.