[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
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A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.