Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
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Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion