Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
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GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
🤣🤣🤣
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol