My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
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internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Breaking news:
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.