I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
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Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Botany good plants lately?
They’re on their honeymoon
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!