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“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson