this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
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[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
i want to work in this restaurant
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Imma just leave this here…………
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.