Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
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After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!