The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
You Might Also Like
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Liquor Store Parking
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere