Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
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My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Can’t stop laughing
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.