[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
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Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
This guy’s not having it 😆
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Why is this me 😫
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Seductively sings in Klingon.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.