-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
You Might Also Like
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.