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*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
back to work
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.