I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
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cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?