You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
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Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
guys i’ve cracked the code
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
But wait…
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁