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CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
the battle rages on
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…