Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
You Might Also Like
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
PLOT TWIST:
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
How I like cutting carbs
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.