I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I’m good, thanks.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her