My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
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@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.