My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
You Might Also Like
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.