Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
You Might Also Like
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*