Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
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“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Autocarrot sucks!
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.