A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
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Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Oops I deleted….
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”